The Framework of Delivery
I’ve always harped on how the delivery in which we send messages to one another—may it be a compliment, a critique, an observation, a joke, advice, a question, an expression of our feelings, or whatever else—is just as important, dare I say even more, than whatever we’re trying to communicate in the first place.
This is because I have a strong belief that perception trumps intention, any day.
Tell me this, what good is singing a ballad to someone who can’t hear?
What good is turning on a light to someone who can’t see?
What good is your intent, if you’ve packaged in such a way that makes it unopenable?
Intention becomes mute when the delivery of it is faulty. When we can see the blatant disconnect between one’s alleged intentions versus their words and actions, said “intention” can begin to feel more like an ulterior motive. Also, all ulterior motives aren’t inherently bad, however, problems arise when the other party begins to recognize the deceit and their lack of consent in whatever someone did to accomplish this unrevealed goal.
Let’s also note, we must perceive before we can understand another’s intent. We’re simply not wired to recognize the reverse first. Therefore…
Perception is the reigning lens through which we view reality, and only after can we use insight from it for our own discernment on one’s intentions.
So, with all that said, in this series, I’d like discuss how delivery, or the ways we communicate with one another, shape our perceptions and understanding of our lives.
You see, delivery as a concept encompasses way more than the “What?”—or the goal, purpose, and intended outcome of a message.
It speaks to the context—the “Who?”, “When?”, and “Where?”
It speaks to the tone, inflection, diction, and body language—the “How?”.
Most importantly, it speaks to or rather reveals the underlying motivation(s) of another—the emotional or psychological “Why?”. While this question alone can enlighten us of another’s intentions, the others are just as necessary in accurately molding our perceptions. It’s important we acknowledge or address each of these when engaging or interacting with another.
Now that I’ve given you the prologue to a series I’ve wanted to write about since I made this website in 2022, I don’t think it’s fair for this to just be a simple introductory post. So, I think we should first touch on the framework to every message we deliver to one another.
Let’s say you and I were catching up over coffee on a Wednesday, and I said to you:
“Someone got so mad at me that they ended our friendship over fifty dollars.”
“That’s wild—over fifty dollars???”
“Yeah…I helped get their car dropped while it was getting towed, but whenever I asked for it back, they got pissed off.”
“Getting mad at YOU when YOU HELPED THEM….You’re probably better off without them!”
“Yeah……”
And I didn’t say anything else about it.
That would be a rather peculiar and short story to tell. I gave no witnesses to the situation, no setting, or anything that really allows you to trace back the story to find out what really happened, which, is rather unlike me if you know me. I mean, damn, read literally any of my blogs, and you know that would be weird.
Perhaps you wouldn’t notice it right off since, in this scenario, I would shift the focus back to you rather than allow a break for thought. Obviously, I need to get your mind off of my statement so that you won’t ask me about any details that could lead to me incriminating myself. Hopefully, you’d forget if I played my cards right. I mean, we all know people love to talk about themselves.
But maybe later once we departed from one another,
“That was random. Why would she tell me that?”
And that would be a fair question. Why would I tell you such a brief story in that way?
Do my intentions seem pure given my presentation, one with little to no context?
I wouldn’t think so, but that’s just me.
We’re gonna try that again.
Let’s say you and I were catching up over coffee this past Wednesday, and I said to you:
“There’s this person who got so mad at me over $50 dollars that they ended our friendship, but I need to know if I’m in the wrong???”
“Ok, ok. Spill.”
They and I went out together one night, and they parked in a non-guest parking spot during our pre-game at my apartment. They asked me if they’d get towed if they parked there, and I said I didn’t know, but I did state that they towed a lot. We ended up being at my apartment too long while they were parked illegally, so when we finally walked out, they had picked up their car. I slid them $50 dollars towards getting the car dropped since they seemed stressed at the time, but when I asked for it back some time after, they got mad… Am I wrong??
“I mean……You probably should’ve just told them no, but you at least bailed them out when they needed it.”
“Yeahhh, I knew I should’ve, but I really didn’t think we’d be there that long. I thought they knew I’d want the money back too, but oh well.”
And just like in my last scenario, I moved on.
Unlike the first scenario, you probably wouldn’t have questioned it any further. Obviously, I care about the ethics of it all since I’m asking you if my role in the person’s car getting towed was insignificant enough to not feel bad. Obviously, with me presenting and giving you details of what happened and why, if you deemed I was in the wrong, then I’d rectify it—I mean why else would I ask you such a question in the first place?
The bottom line remains the same as the first scenario: I was penalized despite being morally sound.
While I did give a non-answer to a loaded, rather costly, question, I am admitting that I find a bit of fault on my part, but not enough to be certain that I should rectify it. I’m taking a level of accountability, and attempting to make amends if an outside party (you) judges that I am in fact in the wrong. Whereas in scenario #1, I just wanted to highlight the goodness of my nature.
The issue with this is, while I did give you more context, it still wasn’t enough for you to take into consideration the nuances of the entire situation. It wasn’t enough to make an accurate judgement on my actions or character, and most importantly, it distorts your perception of me.
Third time’s a charm. Only instead of this being a conversation we’re having over coffee, I’m actually just going to explain my in-depth take on how that night went.
The worst months I ever had financially in college were August 2023-October 2023. The Division of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion was dissolved effective September 1st. Honestly, I had been hurting since June, but I was entering trenches territory come the beginning of the semester…
When I tell y’all I was flat broke and my credit cards couldn’t handle anymore after tuition, books, gas, and groceries…it was bad. Lord knows, the limits were limiting. I had/have never maxed out my cards, and I didn’t intend on 2023 being that year or any year thereafter.
This journey of frugalness didn’t stop me from wanting to go out. I mean, I was in college. Having fun (not too much) while getting your education and being broke on your a$$ is kind of what it’s all or mostly about.
I had made this older friend earlier in the year who was in their late twenties, and just like me, they were a student who worked at the school in a different department. They’re real cool, smart, has a bold personality, and they’re hilarious. Honestly, still to this day, I consider them one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. And it’s important to note, that while I don’t pocket-watch, I think that summer we were in the same penny-pinching boat.
We decided to go out together one night in September, which was the peak of my money shortage, so I decided to set my budget at a hard $40 for that night. We also opted to pre-game at my apartment since I lived closer to Dickson. After picking up some mixers, they parked in a spot directly next to the guest parking spot, but it was not labeled guest parking. There was even a sign saying that the complex would tow if parked in a non-guest spot without a parking pass.
They asked if I thought they’d get towed. With my eyes winced, forehead furrowed, head cocked to the side and my shoulders raised, I said something along the lines of “They do tow a lot, but they normally come later…so I think we should be good, but I don’t know”.
They had also voluntold me their friend would be joining us before going to Dickson. That wasn’t my favorite thing in the world, especially because it was a man that I didn’t know coming into my home, but there was a tiny possibility that their fine “brother” would also come over, so I went along with it. I also had no choice…they had already done it.
Please believe me when I say, I had anxieties, all of which I kept to myself, about their car being parked in a non-guest spot. I was under the impression the strange man would arrive in the next twenty minutes, and we’d head out once he got there in the next 15. We weren’t supposed to be there for that much longer, right?
Wrong, he came almost double that time later, and then we reveled in one another’s company for the next thirty or so minutes. To make matters worse, their “brother” decided to meet us out. Ugh.
I had planned to say something once he got there that we needed to go…but after my third shot of Crown…needless to say warning escaped me.
We walk out to see the car in the midst of getting towed. We run over and ask how much it is to drop it, and it’s like $100 or $110. They seemed so annoyed and frustrated, that they were silent. Scary silent. I had never seen them like that.
Now, I knew I didn’t have it to give, but I panicked because I felt like I should’ve been more proactive about us needing to go. I couldn’t stand the tension anymore as the tow-man was looking at us and as they were rifling through their online bank accounts, huffing and puffing with each swipe…so I sent them $50 to put towards it, putting me in the hole by $10, and we hadn’t even made out the damn parking lot. That wasn’t enough to pay cover for anywhere, obviously.
We went out. I did not have a good time. I think I got lost in the bar at one point. For whatever reason, the $40 in cash I did have, I had given it to them for safekeeping since I didn’t have a purse on me. When they drove me back home, somehow my glasses fell on their car floor, and I accidentally picked up their reading glasses instead. I didn’t realize my mistake and neither did they. I kept telling them I couldn’t see anything and that something was wrong, but I guess they just thought I was just drunk and delusional. They yelled and rushed me to get out of the car.
The walk up to my apartment felt like an ultimate walk of shame. I cried about it on the way up because I was really excited about the night out, and now I had a bad time, I was out of $50 (as well as the $40 unbeknownst to me), and I couldn’t see anything.
That was second-to-worse night out I’ve ever had in Fayetteville. Maybe one day, I’ll talk about the first.
The next morning I was all types of hungover. Realized that the glasses I took off before bed weren’t mine, and luckily I had a spare pair back then. We called for a bit for a slight debrief. Then after I came to my senses, I checked my back account—sh*t was in the negative.
Well… that simply would not due, cause I damn sure didn’t have the money for an overdraft fee to be taken out. I didn’t get my last check from the DEI office til the upcoming Friday. I needed groceries and gas, and the last thing I wanted to do was tell my mom was how unresponsible I had been.
So….I sent a:
“Can you send me the $50 back?” text. And eventually asked about the $40 too.
And that, ladies and gentlemen was the end of our friendship. They did in fact give the money back, all of it. We haven’t spoken since.
I was really hesitant to write this post in the first place, because, to be candid with you all, I still don’t like how I handled that situation. This was about two years ago at this point, and when I am reminded of it, it makes me uncomfortable.
But I think that’s the whole point.
More often than not, when someone leaves out the background or key details of a situation, or perhaps omits it entirely, it’s because they have something to hide. They are insecure or feeling convicted about their part in a certain sequence of events.
It’s sadly taken me years to learn that everyone isn’t a reliable narrator, and just because someone has been reliable before, doesn’t mean they always will be. But that’s a tangent for a different day.
Perhaps this makes you question my own narratives featured on this website, and this post could very well work against me. However, I feel like, especially if you’ve read this far, then you understand how in-depth I go when describing the people I interact with, the situation at hand, the history, what I’ve done, and how all of those things connect.
There’s a reason I structure these post in such a way, often giving more detail than required for you to understand the story, because context, the framework of delivery, is of the utmost importance, whether we like to acknowledge it or not.
Our perceptions and reactions to certain things we are told or requested of are highly dependent on the “when”, “where”, and “who” of a situation, because those questions give vital starting points. They give us the necessary definitions to understand how to proceed or react to a message. Background gives us the outline to truly learn and understand another person or where they’re coming from. Therefore, we should do our due diligence in learning the context before blindly believing or just assuming what another is telling us. Always.
So, listen intently. Ask questions—and good ones at that (because there ARE stupid questions). Look sh*t up if you have to. We are living in a time right now where systems and media are trying to lessen the importance of history, backgrounds, and context for the sake of pushing certain narratives. So please…look for the context when someone is communicating with you, and if you can’t see it, find it.
But let’s remember, it’s just the framework. Next time, I will discuss what elements of delivery that answer the “How?”
As always, thank you so much for reading. It’s been a busy two months, truly. I finally got a new job. I had to prepare for all of that through several interviews, packing, saying some hard goodbyes, and still trying to lead a fabulous life of travel (going back to Fayetteville, Arkansas, for literally two and half days).
I just moved to a completely different state, where I know virtually no one in this city, so I’m going to either start trying out a bunch of different hobbies to meet people, or I will try my hand at serving or bartending if some place would hire me for some pocket cash.
With that being said, it just might be another two months for the second installment of this series. Good news though, there will be three in total, so you’re reading the first, and I’ve already started on the last one!!!!
Lastly, I’ve been trying to revamp this site, and make it look more Taylor Gathings, less blah. So if you could, go follow my blog’s Instagram @galaxygats if you don’t already for little updates and extra content I make on the side.
Alrighty….see y’all later.
